How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
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my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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