some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
So squirting runs in the family.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just high enough for therapy.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
