Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
