So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
