So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
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So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
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I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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