Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
