He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
