If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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