It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
