and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
