MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
