How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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