I just cut my nipple shaving
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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