38 yer olds are good kisserssss
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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