i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
