if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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