I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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