Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
