Banned from zoo.
Again?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
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When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
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Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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