Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
