Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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