dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
