I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Shame - the story of my life.
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