I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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