he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
When did angry sex become our thing?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
