It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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