Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
