good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
