On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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