My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Randomize
