I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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