I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We don't watch enough power rangers
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
