Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
