I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
