I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Holy sore nipples Batman
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
