Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
