I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
