I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
