my phone needs a breathalizer
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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