i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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