By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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