just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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