You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
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