I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
