i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
