I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
