My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
