standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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