Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
