I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
