So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
