Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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