Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
