Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
