her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
