I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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