You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
