So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
