I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
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The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
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Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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